Last day in China!

Weather: Haze

Temperature: 29

Finally this day arrives: my last day in China. Another 5 more hours, this whole thing shall end. My quest to widen the horizon, secure the possibility of living in this Middle Kingdom shall come to a halt. But I am not pushing the “stop” button; it’s just a “pause” button. I will be back.

A partner from one of the firms that interviewed me told me he understands why I want to come to China. His firm hired 3 Malaysian Chinese; I guess that makes him qualified to give a reason.

“You are an outsider living in your own country. You understand oppression, unfairness and discrimination. That makes you a better and stronger man for you know at a very early stage that life is unfair. That’s why you are able to take lots of bullshits. That’s why I like Malaysian Chinese.” he said. I reckon that pretty much sums up the philosophy and attitude of Malaysian Chinese i.e. we are able to take bullshits for we are outsiders living in our own country.

Another question that was on my checklist of questions that needs answer is: do I feel at home when I am in China?

I have been to the Great Britain. I spent almost a year there. Definitely I didn’t feel at home when I was there. I tried to behave like a White, I tried to blend into the English community, but I failed. I was getting no where. No matter how I tried, because of my skin colour, my education background, my accent, my culture, I can never be a White. The harder I tried, I more I felt myself like a salted duck egg: white outside, yellow inside.

What about China? Needless to say, when I was in the airplane, no one could tell whether I was going home or traveling to China. No one could tell with certainty that I was not from Shanghai. That’s a significant difference. However I still had to queue at the lane for “Foreign Passport Holders” waiting for immigration clearance. That reminded me I had come to a foreign territory.

When I was very young, I stayed with my grandmother in Kuala Kangsar. We lived next to a train station. Whenever a train came, my grandmother would tell me, “火车!” So inside my young brain, train is 火车. Whenever I saw a train I would tell my grandmother, “火车!”. I was brought up, taught and educated in an environment or in a community that referred train as “火车”.

But when I grew up, I did not see the word “火车” in any train station. In my world, I was repeatedly told, reminded and taught that a train is called “火车” and not “kereta api”. Then why am I living in a place that calls a train “kereta api” and not “火车”? Am I being in a wrong place? Or was I wrongly educated? Or my grandmother should have told me, “Harnniann, you see “kereta api” coming?” that would have made life easier.

The time now is about 12 noon and I need to catch a flight at 4.30pm. I need to pack my stuff and take a shower. So though I wanted to write a long blog on my last day in China, I have to stop here.

I will miss China, but right now I really miss my Malaysian home more. Can’t wait to get back home.

See you in Malaysia!