I am back!

Weather: Fair
Temperature: 5 c

It is time for me to face my own blog again. Sorry for my disappearance and sorry for the long wait.

This article marks the first entry of this blog since the Chinese New Year. I was happy that I had the opportunity to spend a very short time with my family in Malaysia during the holiday. If I was given a choice, I would have spent more time in Malaysia. There were a lot of friends whom I wished to meet, but due to time constraint and the many errands to run, I was not able to see all of them. Please accept my sincere apologies. Hopefully, the next time I am in Malaysia, I will have the time to catch up with you.

Well, after spending 10 days in Malaysia, I am back again in Shanghai. It would not be and was certainly not easy to leave Malaysia. There were tears and regrets at the airport when we flew back to Shanghai. Regardless of what I have said in this blog about Malaysia, I realized that I still see Malaysia as a home, and there is no other place better than home. Personally, I would prefer sunshine over chilly winter, though Engtee and Banfong would say otherwise.

What would I write about in my first article after Chinese New Year? The General Election is just 2 weeks away, should I write about it? Yes, but not now. I guess the Malaysian news papers have given great coverage to the election (though the impartiality of their reports is in question). Rather, I would like to write on something which I have touched on before: The Malaysian Chinese’s Identity Crisis.

My experience tells me: you don’t feel like a Malaysian until you leave Malaysia. That’s true. In Malaysia, I really don’t feel like a Malaysian, I am more like a Chinese. I eat with chopstick, I speak my mother tongue Mandarin more than my national language, I studied in Chinese school where everything was taught in Mandarin except Malay language and English, I listen to Chinese music, I celebrate Chinese new year and other Chinese festivals, I hang around with Chinese friends, I am reminded by the authority again and again that I am a Chinese, and when I die, my tombstone will be written in Chinese and my body be buried in a Chinese cemetery. So, it would not be unreasonable for someone like me to say that I felt more like a Chinese than a Malaysian when I was in Malaysia.

I think the situation has actually improved. Back when I was a kid, I used to hear the elders referred themselves as “中国人” (literally, China people), and they sang songs like 龙的传人and 勇敢的中国人. Now, the younger Chinese generation call themselves “华人” (Chinese). It would be weird if some Chinese in Malaysia would say he/she is a 中国人.

However, I am going to ask that stupid question again: Am I really a Chinese?

When I was in UK, I told the Angmos I was a Chinese but not from China and I got them confused. Why couldn’t I just say I am a Malaysian? In UK, everyone is English regardless of whether they are Angmos, Blacks or Indians. Same applies to USA, everyone is American. But I happened to be a Chinese who is not from China or a Malaysian who thinks he is a Chinese. No wonder the Angmos were confused. The Malaysian government is confused too!

Now I am in China, should I tell the American clients that I am a Chinese? That would certainly mislead them to think that I am a Chinese citizen. So, I tell them I am a Malaysian, but not Malay. Ooh! Why couldn’t I say “Malaysian” period? I don’t know!

Last Friday while having dinner with Engtee’s Chinese colleagues, they jokingly mentioned that in Malaysia, we are Chinese “华人”, but in China, we are just another foreigner “老外”, not very much different from the Blacks from Africa or the Angmos from Europe. That statement prompted me to think more about my identity. The Chinese colleagues were telling the painful obvious.

Yesterday a Taiwanese friend joined our All-Malaysian dinner. Running out of topics for a mature conversation, we tried to ask her about her take on the “One-China” policy, whether she feels like part of China. “No way! Taiwan is Taiwan, China is China! Taiwan is never part of China!” she claimed. As usual, the bunch of insensitive Malaysians kept on pressing her on what’s the big deal of having acknowledged being part of China. We surely did not understand. Then, I asked a Malaysian friend sitting next to me, “Will you be offended if a Chinese (from Mainland) tells you that Malaysia is part of China and you are a Chinese?” To be honest, all the Malaysians’ answers were the same: we would certainly NOT be offended. Some even expressed the feeling of excitement and happiness. That was why we, Malaysian, could not understand why the Taiwanese is so sensitive about being part of China as we would not make any complaint if someone were to shout at our face that Malaysia is part of China and we are all Chinese. But, of course, that won’t happen.

.